1-4-13

I’ve whispered
my secrets
from the tips of my fingertips
to the ears of the universe
never expecting to
have them answered
or offered back to me
in any type of way but
ironically
perpetual reminders that
I was not born
with a sense of fulfillment
or belonging
but rather born feeling
like my skin was always
one size
too small
for these insides
that are
bursting at the seams with
too many feelings
sometimes
looking at your face for
too many seconds
cracks my ribcage in two
like longing
for a lover
you’ve held through a hundred lives
this throbbing
where a heart beats
cannot be written
in eloquent prose
the feeling is too desperate
born of suffocated hopes
paints hearts upon my tongue
to sing songs only to you
as if we are the only two
to roam crowded subways
and iced over sidewalks
pretzel puzzle fingers
finding warmth
when lips press upon lips
and smiles seep out
between breaths
with laughter

twelves

 

I have dissolved
into a puddle
at your feet
at your touch
which has taken
journeys
 through decades
to arrive at its
destination
to root itself
through and around
and inside of me
wrapping round
my heart
and holding fast
to match pulse
to beats beating
quicker than usual.
these days
feeling like it might
come straight out
of my chest
to get closer to you
to live in your
coat pocket
where you don’t have
to take off
your own scarf
 to keep me warm
where you can
protect me
as you would like
from negligence
or harm
from harsh words
and indifference
I have grown used to
casual disappointment
now allowing for
this adaptation towards
something  bordering
on the sentimental
and romantic
reformatting the circuits
within my mind
to say thank you
when a compliment
causes eye avoidance
perhaps eventually I
will believe
each lovely word
as you do
until then,
I will send letters
to myself
postmarking each
important day
so I never forget
how I feel at this
perfect moment

Winter

wandered aimlessly
through cold asphalt streets
echoes resounding
with each step from my feet
stars as my hat
oil slick rainbows below
inhaling the smog forming
pictures in the sky
like puffy clouds
would in other towns less
wrought with cars and chaos
always collecting keys from
temporary domiciles
this transitional lifestyle
is the science of
vacant brain sleeping
while passed out on a couch
still wearing my shoes
from the previous evening
listening to the same television show
through yesterdays eye liner
on repeat in my dreams
turning to nightmares as well
alarm clock repetition
"the plot never changes"
can describe so many things
wonder what going home means
to me now
in a city I've always known
abandoned me somehow
my heart broke in this place
called it a loss
family is scattered
haven't felt safe in what seems like
two lifetimes
of liquor soaked timelines
blown away cigarette ashes
i'm finding some solace in places surprising
truths are now different
and I have given up analyzing
what my gut says is true
i'm always the glue
but sometimes its nice to get
tucked into bed too

teetering backwards

I walked barefoot once
upon a checkerboard floor
but splintered my foot upon
a twisting creaking staircase
that did not lead anywhere
only to run quickly,
backwards, away
I saw reflections of a memory
leaving fingerprints invisibly
leftover stickiness from
gluing back these pieces of me
I like clinging to you
in that space where shoulder
and heartbeat meet
to brush cheeks
I walked barefoot once
through forest floors
feet wet with moss and mud
ignoring scratches on bare arms
trying to read smeared black ink
as I draw a thousand tiny hearts
upon my skin to your lips
words sung to ears with whispers
cannot find a substitute
lyrical pathways of where I lay
the dirt feels better than cold sheets
most nights anyway
I like the secrecy the night brings
standing right at the edge
when you can finally see stars

Coming to my senses

It is something familiar

like sitting in the front yard of the house I grew up in
or the way my mom would wake me up with an orange juice in the morning
(never have been a morning person)
that comfortable silence that I used to look for
within all the arms that never quite held me correctly
is now wrapped around me
like a quiet symphony
singing softly like a whisper in my ear from a memory

It is something familiar
like a smell I can’t place but inhaling brings me back 
travel in a time machine to a specific place and moment that changed it all 
(probably another time I ran away)
that moment when a hand pulled my hair aside
when a touch to my shoulder brought earthquakes 
feelings I was not prepared for 
that gutted my stomach retreating to my own insecurities 
like a broken record

It is something familiar 
like a dream I had, but faded into subconscious memories 
a faceless figure holding me and reminding me that there are those who can love 
(a voice that can soothe the beast in me) 
a soft spoken phrase cuts like an arrow to the heart
pierces and infects me with a sweet dizzy spell from a fuzzy thinking head 
a man that gives me the spins by just glancing my way 
and for a second he can see me, 
without the walls that surround

ragdoll revisited

the heart was bandaged
badly bruised
but the pieces almost fit together
with the clever use of duct tape
twine tied up the edges
and seams have been reinforced
with patches made
from mismatched fabrics
but still it beats steadily

the eyes that always look away
seemingly bored is so much safer
than being entranced
electrical shocks of direct contact
from corneal fixations
enthralled and exuding the
emotions that come
with the sweeping down of eye lashes
but still they see simple beauty

the lips that smile despite herself
hold back the words of
a thousand poets' ink stained hands
allowing the depths of all the unanswered
letters of lovers to drown her within
an ocean of her own making
convinced she'll never learn
to swim well enough to get to shore
but still can whisper kisses to another's lips

the frowns - an idea for a children's book

i keep the frowns in a drawer
beside my bed while i sleep

(where i repeatedly tell them stories usually involving princesses
and the occasional magic spell)

but the frowns shake and tumble
crash into each other

knock over the table
open the drawer to spill all over the floor
piled upon each other
stack higher

and higher

and even higher

until they begin to fall from the windows
fill the space under the bed

(which seems dangerous to me, since thats where all
those pesky monsters live)

they bounce from wall to wall
sit upon desks
tumble out the doorway to takeover
even the hallway

the frowns just keep multiplying
and getting more
and more
and more
overwhelming

until i am surrounded by this sadness
clinging to the walls and making them get closer
and closer
the frowns wont listen to me
"go away i say"
again and again but their eye brows get madder

but just when the frowns think
they have won over
blasts of light blow them up
Like fireworks at night

(you see they are much more contagious
and far more courageous)
the smiles will win, in the end
as they do