compromised thoughts

compromising the fabrication of reality
I take what I have
bend it to be what I think I want
pretending it is what I need
giving it a shiny paint job
sweeping unmentionables under the rug
to forego the conclusion
that my hypothesis has always been incorrect
sought out supplementary understanding
shared moments elsewhere
emotional embraces from another
late night conversations
left me feeling a little dirty like having secrets
little white lies when I feel I cannot tell my truths
not ever to you
leaving me with a metallic taste
like bad medicine
force feeding yes’s
crushed and added to food to avoid the bitter taste
disappointed in my inability to look beyond the immediate
holding onto nostalgia
fiercely protective and lashing out
with clenched fists when asked to explain myself
with understanding sought out
where things aren’t so hard
makes me examine the details
more closely
wondering how things could be different
if the hands that held me
belonged there

reorganzing

there a was a drawer in my heart i left empty for you
for your belongings
space for your baggage
room for you to put your things when you came to stay
even briefly
for the night
for the weekend
but you would haphazardly throw a bag of clothes on the floor
to be scooped up upon every exit
perhaps a renegade sock left to hide beneath the bookshelf
i opened it the other day to wipe the cobwebs away
it remained empty
lifeless, except for a spider that scurried out
only to disappear into the floorboards
ready to make cobwebs in somebody elses misplaced wishes
looking around at the clutter
thinking i can use that space
neatly organized
labelled for efficiency
hopes
dreams
desires
alphabetized laundry list of longings
mark a check beside each given in completion
blinds opened
letting some light in